IT'S MY PARTY AND I'LL
TRY IF I WANT TO
by
David Lubar

Yeah, Dole and Clinton get all the press coverage, but they aren't the only campaigners out there. It's those third, fourth, fifth, and eighty-sixth party candidates who make the whole thing interesting. And, as usual, these folks run the gamut from the merely deluded to the truly insane. As a service to those of you who want to know all your choices, here's a rundown of the other runners.

Dale Legume, Vegetarian Party. Running under the slogan "Meat Depresses," Mr. Legume has dedicated his life to preaching the value of a vegetarian diet. He believes his philosophy can be applied to all areas of government. He wants to do more than trim the fat from the budget -- he wants to eliminate it. He feels that all Americans need to establish roots.

Ron Anyhow, Futilitarian party. Ron knows he can't possibly win, but that doesn't matter to him. He just wants to make a statement. When asked what that statement is, he seems puzzled. At press time, Mr. Anyhow had no slogan.

Bryan Slipstick, Nerd Party. Mr. Slipstick strongly feels that charisma is overrated in American politics. In a very long speech at a press conference this afternoon, he said a whole bunch of stuff, some of which wasn't understandable, and the rest of which wasn't very interesting. His slogan, as far as anyone can tell, is something along the lines of: "Let's beta test those parameters."

Jethro Bodine, Nostalgia Party. Mr. Bodine, a millionaire who won't answer questions about the origin of his fortune, feels that the country is ready for a return to good old common values. Slogan: A squirrel in every pot. He vigorously denies a rumor that he has promised every person who votes for him a date with his sister. His slogan seems to be some sort of guttural country holler.

H. Prospero, Tempest Fugitive party. Hoping to capture some votes from confused Perot supporters, this candidate has kept himself shrouded in secrecy on his island residence. Whatever his slogan is, it appears to have the power to turn people into animals.

Rory MacManly, Hollywood party. Best remembered for playing the role of a male meter maid on Columbo, MacManly believes it is the function of the studio system to provide presidential candidates. His slogan: "I'm always acting in the country's best interests."

Thomas Dewey, Universal Universalities party. Perennial candidate Dewey, who has been unable to run for the past several decades do to his being dead, has reappeared on the campaign trail thanks to the efforts of Mayleen Summer Dewillickers, who is acting as a channel between the spirit world and the corporeal plane. Trying to get into the contemporary spirit of things, Dewey's slogan is "Dewey? He sure do!"

Copyright © 1996 by David Lubar