David Lubar

Hello, and welcome to New York Busway's 7:30 a.m. drive to Secaucus, with a stopover in the middle of the Lincoln Tunnel. I'm your head stewardess, Vanessa Pinchon, and I'd like to take a few moments to discuss the safety features of this Ford 788 wide-bodied turbo bus. If you look under your seat, beneath the wad of gum, the crushed drink cups, and the sticky mass of fuzzy stuff, you'll find your road safety card. Please take a moment to follow along with me as I point out our safety features.

Our 788 is equipped with a main exit, as well as dozens of windows that can each serve as an emergency exit in the event of an unanticipated vehicular contact or other irregularity. Should you need to leave in this manner, release the bottom of the window and raise it on its hinges. If the window should happen to stick, FTA guidelines recommend kicking it really hard while screaming. In the unlikely event of a water landing, it is marginally possible that your seat might float. Try to rip it free, but hurry because this vehicle will sink at a rapid pace. To further enable prompt departure, you'll notice your seat is not equipped with a seatbelt or other restricting device. As always, your safety is our first concern.

In the pocket that's been slashed in the seatback in front of you, you'll find a complimentary copy of yesterday's newspaper, along with a catalog of some of the exciting gifts you can buy in the terminal, including electronic equipment at amazing discounts and exotic gifts from the four corners of the city. Further reading matter may be found scrawled on the side panels in indelible marker or scratched in the windows and on any painted surface.

Should this vehicle pass through a zone of low-quality air, please hold your breath and wave your hand rapidly in front of your nose until we regain cabin pressure.

For your entertainment this morning, we are featuring really loud and annoying music coming from the personal stereo of the person seated next to you.

The driver has just informed me that we're about to start our coast down the terminal ramp. Please extinguish all smoking weapons, and return the slumped over person in the seat next to you to his normal upright position.

Thank you for riding Busway Roadlines.


"If they Had Stewardesses on Commuter Buses" Copyright © 1996 by David Lubar

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